Introduction To WHY......

So I thought I would begin my journey into this blog as to WHY I decided to start this blog in the first place. Back in 2013 I had begun to realize that I was struggling hard-core with some things, and this had become more than just being sad or having "the blues". This "sadness" was interfering with everyday life, and what I was once enjoying about my life and what it once was, so I knew that something was very, very wrong. I had a strong feeling that I had begun showing signs of depression. I went to see my primary care provider and I literally broke down in tears in his office. He told me that after what I had told him in great detail that I was showing signs of not just depression, but of Bipolar Depression, and that I need to go the next step up and see a therapist. I did just that and she put me through the wringer of over an hour of talk therapy and printed up several pages of papers of what I call "therapy homework" that they give you. It's a plan that they give you for a certain amount of time to try and get better. She also said that she was comfortable with a Bipolar diagnosis but wanted me to go one more step higher and wanted me to see an actual psychiatrist who could officially diagnose me and could put me on medications if needed. So off I was to see the psychiatrist that she recommended, and I LOVED this doctor, she was amazing. She evaluated me very thoroughly I thought, and I finally got my official diagnosis on July 18th, 2013 of Bipolar 1 with Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I was put on my first round of medications. Little did I know that my journey was just about to get a LOT more difficult, NOT easier in any way, shape, or form.

The doctor started me on 2 medications, and I don't remember them both, but I remember one of them being Depakote. That medication literally made me psychotic, for lack of a better term, as my psychiatrist predicted later on. I wasn't on the medication for a terribly long time, but enough time for the meds to begin working, when one day, I literally snapped. When I say that, I mean, I went into this psychotic rage when no one was home (thankfully). I broke a hairbrush by throwing it as hard as I could, I broke a couple of small pieces of furniture, and I tried to break the bathroom mirror with my head. All over literally nothing, I just SNAPPED. I collapsed onto the bathroom floor, probably because I gave myself a decent concussion with the bathroom mirror, and just came down from the rage. After an unknown amount of time, I began to feel somewhat normal again, and when I could, I called my psychiatrist and told her what had happened. She told me to immediately stop taking the meds she had given me and booked me an appointment the soonest she could get me in. She was pretty certain it was the Depakote that had caused me to go into a psychotic episode. She had asked me if I thought I needed to call 911, and I declined because I felt pretty good at that point and I hadn't done any real damage to my body that I could tell. When I had seen her after that she put me on different meds, and to make a VERY long story short, I have been on a SLEW of meds since, but I'll elaborate more on that later.

Since then, I have had 2 new psychiatrists. Both I have liked very, very much so I have been extremely lucky. I've also had 2 new diagnoses. The first psychiatrist I had decided to re-diagnose me after some new symptoms came up of psychosis and hallucinations and such during the night and some other things that she had noticed that came of concern to her. That earned me a new diagnosis last year, 2016 of Bipolar 1 Rapid Cycling, and this was also due to my severe changes in mood which were getting worse. I'm still getting used to that today in fact. Now, for my diagnosis today, which was given to me by my 2nd psychiatrist and which still stands with my current doctor. Schizoaffective Disorder. What that is is basically a Bipolar Disorder with Schizophrenia Disorder mash-up. NO, it's not half Bipolar, half Schizophrenia. That's a very common misconception. It just means that I have a mental illness that has both disorders in it. Do the research, it's very fascinating in fact.

Now, how do I really feel about all of this? I hate it. I'm not a very happy person. I'm heavily medicated. If I wasn't on the medications that I'm on, I'd probably be in a hospital somewhere. I have a good life. I have good things. I have people who love and care for me. But I don't love myself as much as I should. I feel like a robot, like I'm not even human sometimes because of the medicine. I take Sertraline for depression, Xanax for panic attacks, and Seroquel to keep the hallucinations and psychosis away at night so I can sleep. Literally, without it, I don't sleep. I can't function as a human being without the help of these meds. AND I HATE IT. My brain doesn't work like a normal person's brain works. I can't handle normal things, normal stress like the rest of you can. I break easily. VERY easily. I want to connect with others like me and also bring awareness to people like me and other mental illnesses as well. There's so much out there that can be learned about and SHOULD be learned about. I want that so very much. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you've gotten this far. It means a lot to me. I hope you'll read more of my entries in the future. Much love!